Unemployment

(originally started Jan. 14th)

Yesterday at church something interesting happened.  I worshipped.  Not just empty, ritualistic, mainly-cause-it's-right-and-I-owe-it-to-God worship, but heartfelt, soul reviving worship.

At this point, let me say something.  There is nothing wrong with worshiping because God deserves it, if that's all you can muster.  At least you're worshiping.  But my heart has been hungry for something more for a VERY long time.

I've been craving a soul-revitalizing worship experience, where I say words with my heart full, not just with my emptiness of words.  Sometimes, I feel like all I have to give is that empty word worship.  Sometimes, I'm so exhausted that I want to be with God desperately, but my heart just is so heavy that it's hard for me to lift it into God's hands.  And the problem is I've been focused on my problems and my self and how God has to fix it.  And it's sinful.  And I'm broken.  And I would go into this worship with all that weighing on me.

Yesterday was different somehow.

Nothing has changed.  I'm still on the edge of unemployment, with bills to pay.  I'm still inching nearer to my 24th birthday, with nothing really to show for nearly a quarter century of life.  I'm still living at home, failing to be able to care for my self of my sisters who are in similar situations.

But right before I went into worship, I acknowledged something important:

That God knows what He's doing.  He's not let me fail yet, and He's not in the business of letting people fail.

I was talking to one of the ladies in my Sunday School class.  And I was choosing to believe what I was saying.  Not that I didn't believe it before.  I just said it.

I guess sometimes, that whole "confess with your mouth" idea really is essential.