See I have this idea that I'm not lovable. So I have to MAKE people love me by being amazing. I try really really hard. And most of the time, it works. People love me. But then they don't love me for who I am, they love me for how I make them feel, or what I do for them. So I'm left feeling just as empty as before. The only love I have is the love I create by making myself indispensable.
This might seem quite all right to you, but it has bigger repercussions. I can't believe that God loves me for me, either. I believe He loves me when I'm doing something for His kingdom (like leading Bible Study or doing evangelism) but when I'm NOT performing up to par (like recently). (Up to par in my head is leading a bible study, praying with other women on a regular basis, basically being a busy Christian woman doing Christian woman things and not having time to think). So there's this big mountain that I've built between me and God, separating us because of my attitude toward Him. I can't experience His love completely, and I can't experience His blessings. Sounds like that whole idea of sin, right? Oh, right. Sin.
So yesterday, I was sitting there, in Macy's Taste Bar physically, but mentally I was facing this huge mountain. I want to be on the other side, to see and experience the beauty and majesty on that side of the mountain. To set up my tent and just...stay there. But I can't get there on my own. No matter how hard I try to make people love me, I can't move that mountain. And it's getting in the way of the love I want, know is mine, and God wants to give me.
Then, Jesus comes from around the other side of the mountain. Well, actually, I'm not sure how he got there. He has this habit of just APPEARING randomly, especially when I'm pouting.
Hey Sweetheart, let me help you move this mountain.
AND like any truly hopeless woman, I said to Him:
Good luck, mister. I been workin' on this here mountain for far too long. I just wanna get to the other side, but it's impossible to get there.
Then I turned my back on the man and continued to pout.
ok, so maybe the dialect on that was not characteristic of yours truly, but that's how it's running in my head.
I can do it. I'll move this whole mountain for you. Will you marry me?
Excuse me? Run that last part by me again...
I said, will you marry me?
*dramatic pause* Is this a trick?
Then He laughs, shakes His head, turns His back, and starts digging. WITH His bare hands.
Now look, I've known this guy for a long time. He's really not all that impressive at first. Short curly hair, dark skin, muddy brown eyes. Kinda short...although He has great muscle definition. Probably from digging at mountains with nothing but His bare hands. We've been friends for a long time - since I was three. When I was 18 He went from being my childhood friend to being my best friend. Sometimes we go a really long time without talking - usually because I'm angry or ignoring Him. We're coming off a stint of not talking for a while, at least not really about anything important. Story is, I got angry and confused and He didn't tell me His plans, so I figured I'd do things my way. Then I got into a mess and He saved me from it and I was licking my wounds for a while. I shifted my focus from my relationship with Him to making His Dad love me despite me. (The fact that He and His Dad are really the same person doesn't necessarily always compute...)
Another reality is I promised to marry this guy a long time ago. Like, when I was three. I didn't understand it then, but I promised. And we were married. And then, because I didn't really understand what I promised, I got distracted and started not acting like I was married. Then He pulled me out of a bad situation, and I remembered. And then I forgot. And then I remembered. And then I forgot. And now He was asking me to marry Him...again.
I turn around to look at Him - this man I married so long ago. Somehow, watching Him work for me turns a key in some lock in my heart, I got up, and walked over.
Hey, what are you doing?
He smiles. I take a minute to look at Him again. His muddy brown eyes are serious, going about his business like it was the only thing that mattered. I remembered that it was looking into those eyes that always made me feel like I was the only thing that mattered. But I know Him better than that. Everyone matters to this man. His heart is so...pure. So full of love. For everyone. Which makes me feel even more humbled that He would spend this time with me, when so many others need and deserve His time.
I suddenly am hit by the reality that He's sweating, like His clothes are drenched. As I'm looking at Him, I also see His hands. The old scars that have been there since I met Him have opened and started bleeding. Bleeding badly.
Jesus, You're bleeding.
Yeah, these old scars open up every time I do something like this.
Does it hurt?
Not as much when you're talking to me again. It's always worth it just to hear your voice. I wish you wouldn't stop talking to me. The silence hurts more than these old wounds.
This is silly. Let me do this. It's my mess. My mountain to move.
You already tried, Remember? you can't by yourself. I have to. But if you like, you could help me. We could work on taking apart this mountain together.
Will it hurt?
Yes. But you won't bleed like I am. I'll do all the really hard stuff.
Okay.
We work together in silence. My hands are all chapped after a while, but it's good to be working with Jesus. He has this song He sings to make the work go by easier, and His voice is beautiful. I know a few verses, and the chorus, so I sing with Him when I can, but when I can't I'm content to just listen. Every once in a while, I make a mistake and He takes over to fix the mess. I feel awful, but he comes to comfort me, telling me I'm still learning and I'm not expected to be perfect yet. And I look into His eyes and see no disappointment there, only overwhelming love. I start to cry and He wipes my tears away. He holds me comfortingly and kisses my cheek, and we just sit for a while, Him and me.
You know what?
Nope. No idea.
I love you.
Jesus, You always say that.
It's always true. Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow, Forever. I'll always love you.
I love you too.
I know. Just don't forget again, please.
And then He kisses my cheek again, gets up, starts whistling, and we go back to work. Trying to move this mountain.
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